The Evolution of Friendship
I've been thinking a lot about friendship lately. Maybe it was a brief conversation I had recently with a friend who lives on the other side of the country, or maybe it's thinking about another friend who is going through a difficult transition right now. Perhaps it was a verse I read during my devotions this morning. "A friend is always loyal, and a brother is born to help in time of need. (Proverbs 17:17) To be honest...I really don't know. I'm just thinking about my friends today. I'm very thankful for the different people God's allowed to cross my path. Admittedly, I've been closer to some than others, but all of them made a mark on my life in some way. Friendship is a funny thing. When a friendship begins, we don't typically think about when it might end OR how it will evolve. We just revel in the beautiful community God creates and enjoy it while it lasts. The older I get, the more regrets I have when it comes to friendships. I've probably gotten a little too close to some acquaintances while distancing myself too quickly from those who could have been great friends.
PAUL & BARNABAS...THE EARLY YEARS
As my Pastor started preaching through Acts a few months ago, I started paying attention to the evolution of Paul and Barnabas' friendship. These guys had an incredible history together! For example, think about how Paul and Barnabas met. After Saul's conversion on the Damascus Road (Acts 9:3-9), all of the Disciples were skeptical of this so called "transformation." I guess changing his name from Saul to Paul wasn't enough for them. There was only one person who trusted him. You guessed it...Barnabas. He was the only one who advocated for Paul. (Acts 9:26-27) Has anyone ever stood in the gap for YOU when everyone else seemed to be skeptical of your calling? Those kinds of people become fast friends, and I'm sure this is precisely what happened with Paul and Barnabas. He was a loyal friend from the very beginning. In the early months and years of their friendship, Paul and Barnabas served together in a variety of ways. We are told in Acts 11:25-26 that Barnabas actually pursued Paul in Tarsus and then took him to Antioch to begin a year-long teaching ministry together.
MINISTRY TOGETHER
I also learned that Paul and Barnabas were commissioned together. (Acts 13:1-3) Like most people who serve in ministry together, Paul and Barnabas had mutual friends who served with them. (Acts 13:4-5). John Mark was a young disciple who assisted them on their missionary journey to Cyprus. Together, they encountered spiritual warfare and saw many people come to faith in Jesus Christ. They suffered persecution at the hands of unbelievers. Acts 13:50 says it best. "The leading men of the city stirred up persecution against Paul and Barnabas, and drove them out of their district." It seemed that no external conflict could shake this friendship. They just shook the dust of their feet and moved on to the next city. Interesting enough, it was during this time of great persecution that they experienced a very fruitful time of ministry together as well. They spent time in Lystra and Derbe (Acts 14:8-20) Antioch (Acts 14:21-28) and even spent an extended time together serving in Iconium (Acts 14:3). Instead of working alone, Barnabas sought the help of Paul....because that's what friends do.
All this got me thinking about the friendships in my own life. 17 years ago, I was ordained in the same city and at the same church with another dear friend. Because of that, I feel like I can relate to Paul and Barnabas in a small way. My friend and I have served together in two different churches through the years and if I could have chosen anybody on the planet to be on my team...it would have been this friend. I would often say to myself, "Why would I want to serve alone when I can serve with a friend like this?" Our families spent a lot of time together and we both loved Carolina basketball. Really...what else is there to love? We were accountability partners and pretty much on the same philosophical page when it came to the big stuff in life that really mattered. That doesn't mean we didn't have our struggles. We actually went through a lot together. We witnessed spiritual warfare on mission trips and saw several epic battles in church conference rooms, but I can honestly say those struggles made our friendship stronger. Admittedly, this kind of an friendship doesn't mesh with our independent, idealistic culture. Some guys would just rather serve alone. I've served with those types as well. Regardless, the Spirit invites us to embrace a team-oriented approach to Christian ministry, and this is what I loved about serving at those two churches with my good friend. While I don't miss some things, I actually miss him very much.
INTERNAL BATTLES
Paul and Barnabas also endured long interrogations in defense of their calling. I'm sure the internal struggles my friend and I dealt with in ministry paled in comparison to theirs. Their suffering came not only by the hands of unbelievers, but from leaders inside the church as well. Acts 15:5 calls these critics, "believing Pharisees." Trust me, there ARE in fact "believing pharisees" serving in churches today. I've seen them...and they're brutal! They've been with the church from the very beginning. There's nothing worse than getting hit by rocks that are being thrown at you from legalistic "friends" and fellow church leaders. How many Christians have had their enthusiasm smothered by critical Pharisees? If you don't pass their spiritual litmus test...watch out! These are the guys who truly believe that they are defending Jesus by condemning the preacher and enforcing their man-made rule of law (preferences). These are the leaders who gossip when you don't follow their rules or agree with them on every minor point of their brand of theology. I'm sure these Pharisees had good intentions, but watching how Paul and Barnabas navigated through the criticism somehow encouraged me.
I love how Peter mediated this tension. He just placed all of the attention on the Gospel. "We believe that we will be saved through the grace of of the Lord Jesus, just as they will." (Acts 15:11) He took all of the attention off of what divides them (the law) and placed it on the unifying Gospel of Christ (grace). Were it not for Peter's Gospel-centered encouragement, Paul and Barnabas would have been circumcised on the spot. OUCH! "They rejoiced because of its encouragement!" (15:31) Wouldn't you rejoice if you were able to avoid an adult circumcision? "They encouraged and strengthened the brothers with many words." (15:32) "But Paul and Barnabas remained in Antioch, teaching and preaching the Word of the Lord..." (15:35) At the end of the day, Paul and Barnabas weren't only "approved for ministry" they were encouraged to carry on. That's what encouraging friends will do; They celebrate your giftedness. Even Pharisees can motivate you to press on and keep doing what God calls you to do when they see you as a spiritual brother. By the way, we see the word "brother" three different times in verses 7, 13 and 23. I think there would be far fewer battles among church leaders if they would just show a little more "brotherly love" toward one another. More encouragement...more hope.
SEPARATION
So, it looked as if these brothers were going to serve the Lord together forever...regardless of the persecution. Unfortunately, even "brothers" and the best friendships get tested. Paul and Barnabas were no exception. Acts 15:36-41 goes on to tells us that these dear friends had a disagreement over whether or not that mutual friend mentioned earlier (John Mark) should come along with them on trip to a city they had served at previously. "Barnabas agreed and wanted to take along John Mark. But Paul disagreed strongly, since John Mark had desert ed them in Pamphylia and had not continued with them in their work." Paul just wasn't ready to commit to John Mark the way Barnabas was. Verse 39 says, "Their disagreement was so sharp that they separated." Wow! These two godly men who had been through so much together, allowed this one philosophical disagreement to come between them. It caused so much stress in the friendship that they decided to part ways. I've been there. We've all been there.
I used to think Barnabas was the man who walked in grace and forgiveness, while Paul was just being too dogmatic. I'd often ask myself, why couldn't Paul show the same loyalty and grace that Barnabas demonstrated to him in the beginning of their friendship? I'm sure Paul had good reasons to take such a hard line, but think about what John Mark must have felt like. It hurts to be told you're not good enough or smart enough to do a job you feel called to do. Like Mark, we've all served with type A leaders who have trust issues and strong ideals. When those strong ideals cause leaders to lack grace and become overly critical, it just might be time to do what Barnabas did and move on. It doesn't mean anybody was wrong...it just means the season is over. The difficulty of course is moving on without holding on to any bitterness. God blessed Paul and Silas on that second missionary journey (without Barnabas and Mark) Barnabas took Mark, and went to Cypress. Paul and Silas went the opposite direction. Isn't it interesting how God used this division to spread the Gospel even further? By the way, tradition tells us that John Mark was more than likely responsible for penning the Gospel of Mark. I'd say he didn't let Paul's words get to him. ...even MORE encouragement!
GOD'S GRACE
So, what ended up happening to Paul and Barnabas? The truth is, we don't know for sure how this friendship evolved after that sharp separation. We do however see an interesting twist. In one of Paul's final letters, as he was awaiting execution, he gave his young apprentice Timothy some final words of encouragement. After the encouragement, he gave a long list of instructions to Timothy and if you aren't paying attention, you might miss it. He says, "Get Mark and bring him with you, for he is very useful to me for ministry." (2 Timothy 4:11) Paul sounds a lot like Barnabas here. There are several other places where we see this change in Paul. (Colossians 4:10) He obviously had a change of heart and learned something about encouragement from his old friend Barnabas. While we don't see Barnabas in the picture, we certainly see a young man who Barnabas invested in and believed in. Barnabas may or may not have seen the change of heart that Paul had for John Mark. According to tradition and ancient writings dating back to the 5th Century, Barnabas was martyred in A.D. 61. Paul wrote those words to Timothy concerning John Mark a few years later in A.D. 67 or 68. Regardless of what Barnabas knew, I'm sure Paul's request was an encouragement to Mark.
I've had to part ways with a couple of friends through the years. Some separations were because of mistakes I've made while others were quite painful and came by the hand of trusted friends. Like Mark, I've been sidelined and criticized. The best I can do is to try and make things right, forgive, and learn from my mistakes. I carry on and keep doing what God called me to do. I can only hope that one day my critical brothers will appreciate my calling. I may not see the beauty that comes from those friendships until I get to heaven...and I'm OK with that.
Take a few minutes right now and think about the blessings of friendship. Thank God for all the memories. Don't forget the struggles. Thank Him for those too. Pray that He uses those friendships (the thriving ones and the broken ones) for His glory and for the good of others. Like John Mark, someone else might be the benefactor of the investment you've made in another past friendship.
